Are you ready to have a baby?

by Mama Chocolate on October 18, 2011

I found this while stumbling, (beware: very addicting!) and had to share!

HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE A BABY

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in
the wet flower bed and rub on the walls.

Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and
pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the
contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and
hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00 PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have
ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00
AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST

Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Let them assume you are a professional parent who also got a braggable teaching degree online in your spare time. Lecture them on how they can improve their child’s discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Source

 


{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Paula Ramm October 18, 2011 at 3:28 pm

I’ve been looking for this! Thanks for finding it! I’d heard part of it several years ago, and thought it was so funny, especially the part about taking a few beans out of the bean bag chair tied around your waist in 9 months…so true!!!
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Becky@purposefulhomemaking October 18, 2011 at 3:51 pm

A good laugh! The bean bag part was my favorite! :)
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Amanda - Mother of Ambition October 18, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Love this! So true! Emmaline’s sleep patterns are the worst and there was no way to know that’s how she would be or how I’d feel getting 4 interrupted hours a night for a year!! : )

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Amanda Evans October 19, 2011 at 2:50 pm

10% of the beans…ha ha!

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Kristin October 19, 2011 at 3:06 pm

This is hilarious. LOVED the Bean Bag part!
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fancygrlnancy October 19, 2011 at 11:45 pm

ROFL…. So true! I love it… thanks for sharing
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Jodi M. November 21, 2012 at 6:47 am

That is so funny! I can totally relate to the Legos.

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